BUSY BUSY BUSY

SOOOO... we had a baby, and then.......

We suddenly got SO busy.... 

We live for chaos of some sort in this house. I tell people it keeps me young and always keeps things exciting. July has come (and almost gone) and we have been so "normal" that I hadn't updated caringbridge or my personal blog. 

Braxton's last clinic appointment went very well, and today he had another one month check and he is at 6 MONTHS post chemo. Oh!!! it's so exciting to be counting UP now instead of down to the last treatment :) 

We are not taking any moment for granted. 

On the 4th of July we met up with some friends and although it was raining we went to the Dayton Air Force museum and finished out the rainy night at Joe's Crab Shack on the river... it turned out to be a really fun time. We laughed and ate good food and made memories. 

After the 4th we have been traveling far and wide. We went to Gatlinburg, TN for a week with Nana and Papaw and had the best time. Braxton loves his one on one with them, but it made it super exciting that Aunt Stef came too and brought 2 of Braxton's favorite people, Charlee and Garrett. The cabin was always bustling with ninja moves, and noise, noise everywhere until the wee hours of the night.  Thanks so much Papaw and Nana for the trip.

At the Comedy Barn in Pigeon Forge

Cabby loves his Nana

Cabby and Nelleigh Belle... those 2 are a hoot together

With the best papaw EVER!!!

Then after Gatlingburg, we were home for 2 days and then we went to Tulsa, OK for 5 days for PEAK (a youth church event with young people from all over the country) we felt that at his age it's important for Braxton to see all the people that love and serve Jesus just like he does. Needless to say that Alex, at 6 weeks old, is WELL traveled now. 

Love my family

This past weekend we went to a youth meeting that is about an hour away in Noblesville for 3 days. The kids had a blast getting to see all there little friends that, for the most part, they only see a few times a year. 

This week, we are all SOOOO excited (probably me more than anyone) Gammy and Aunt Ginny and Liam are coming!!!! Braxton's 6th birthday is this weekend and they are coming to celebrate with us. I may just kidnap them and keep them from leaving. 

Braxton has also been to the urologist this month. We are trying to get his night time bed wetting under control. So we are trying some new things, working with his fluid intake and the things he drinks and we are going to try the alarm. Hopefully we will see some results in the coming weeks. 

So this weekend we are going to have a Ninjago LEGO party at the splash park and have a SMALL sleepover and just have FUN!!! Because being a cancer SURVIVOR, deserves to have a SUPER FUN BIRTHDAY.  

I have been very thankful this week, a little teary but over all thankful. I am so blessed that we get to celebrate another year with Braxton. We are super thankful that he is a SURVIVOR and I will never, ever take that for granted. God has been so good to us. 

AND then on Monday next week..... BRAXTON STARTS KINDERGARTEN!!!!! We have been school shopping and he has his book bag and lunch box and today he was able to get a few of his booster shots (he was NOT happy about this). 

So, the Adkins family is trucking along, enjoying the rest of the summer and all the fun things that we have planned. Again and as always thank you for all the prayers and thoughts. 

CANCER STILL STINKS!!!

We are so happy to say that Braxton is one month post chemo and doing wonderful. But Cancer STILL stinks. It takes so many too early and some of those are sadly children. 

Braxton had to go to Cincinnati on Sunday night, because he suddenly spiked a temp. He was acting fine and playing and just being Braxton but when I went to hug him he was burning up... typical Braxton. It made me stop and think that even though the chemo is finished we are not quite finished yet. Will the cancer world always be this evil shadow lurking in the background? I surely hope not. He wouldn't have had to go to Cincinnati if his port was out. We are baby steps closer to that milestone. 

He tested negative for the flu and his chest xray was fine as well, but on Monday they called and said that he did test positive for RSV. Luckily Braxton's a strapping young man and RSV is only dangerous in those with compromised or small airways. 

So we are pumping him FULL of antibiotics at the moment he is on 2 huge doses 2 times a day. He has always been so good at taking medicine and I am so thankful for that. 

Other than the nasty cold, he is doing wonderful. 

~~~~~~~~

This morning, however, when I woke up to check the "daily news" i.e. social networking.... my heart was so saddened to learn that our sweet little friend Vinny has earned his wings. He fought over half his life with this dreaded thing called cancer, his mom dedicated and faithful by his side, always so positive and so sweet and selfless. 

Vinny touched so many and I  ask that today you stop and say a prayer for this sweet family as they endure probably one of the hardest  (if not THE hardest) trials ever.

We love you Sarah and your family and we are praying for piece for you. 

CANCER STILL STINKS... EVERY DAY! WE HAVE TO FIND A CURE. 

3 years

Cancer-versary: a date that NO one wants to have marked on their calendar but sadly we do. 

It has been 3 years. 3 years since I sat in the corner of a small room in Brenner Childrens Hospital and received the news that no parent ever wants to hear. 4 little words that change your life in a matter of minutes... seconds really. "Your Child Has Leukemia". 

It was raining that day, November 10th 2009. I knew something was seriously wrong but I was in denial. 

BUT, 3 years later through hills and valleys, Braxton is almost finished. With 2 more treatments to go, I am reminded just how great God is. He is faithful. He doesn't put more on us than we can bear. Although at the time we may feel like there is no way that we can get through this. We are, We did.  He has been faithful never leaving our sides. We know how blessed we are. We realize that Braxton got the "good" cancer (if there is such a thing). We realize that not everyone responds as wonderfully as he has. We know that there are kids who have fought so hard and earned their wings. We know that Braxton is still here. To share in our traditions. To play with his friends. To go to school. To enjoy birthdays. 

Braxton, in his 5 year old little person self, has taught us so very much. I never would have guessed that such a little person could teach me, an adult, so much. He is for sure, wise beyond his years. He has an old soul, I can't completely understand. I don't know what goes on in his little mind but I know that he is a thinker. An analyzer. He is special. And while I believe all my children to be special and unique in there on little ways. I feel like Braxton has wonderful things in store for himself. 

In 3 years we have learned that hope and faith are enough to get you through the tough moments. We have learned to smile through tears. We have learned that when we think it's impossible, God thinks differently. 

I know that this past 3 years I have grown. As a mother, as a friend. I don't take things for granted. I know that life is so precious and like a vapor. 

When I was pregnant with Braxton I used to pray that I would have the heart of Hannah and that God would take my son, who we prayed for so very hard, and make him something special for HIS glory. I promised that when I had him I would give him back. Fully. I knew from the moment that Braxton was born that God had wonderful things in store for this little person and I pray continously that God will use him. If for nothing more than a gate keeper. Give him a heart that is full of love for Him.

Braxton is FINISHING up and for that I give praise. Braxton is thriving and a "normal" boy, for the most part. Braxton is almost CANCER FREE. Boy, that feels so good. 

This song got me through many moments. I cried on the way to work and back listening to it many times. It's so simple and so to the point. 

Humbled

I LOVE Brac's hospital. When we decided to move it was hard only because I LOVED our NC hospital as well. He had such wonderful docs there and I was afraid of what he would walk into in Cincinnati. I did lots of research and was pleased that Cincinnati Children's was among the nations best. I mean, this was my child's health in their hands. I was sure they were perfectly competent but it takes a lot to gain a mother's trust. 

Cincinnati Children's has proven to be fabulous. Brac has one on one attention from his amazing doctor, Dr. O'Brien. I just love her. As does Brac. She gets down on the floor with him. She makes him feel amazingly special when she talks to him. 

Children's has an annual Survivors Picnic at the Zoo, hosted by Cincinnati Zoo.... oh what a fabulous event. An event to celebrate life and in SEPTEMBER at that... perfect time since this is Childhood Cancer Awareness month. We had the privilege of going this weekend. The weather was AMAZING. It was so humbling to see all these amazing kids... SURVIVORS... some still in treatment, but surviving. Some have grown up and some were obviously still in treatment. It was so nice to mingle with other moms... just like me. It was also important for Braxton to see that there were other kids just like him. Kids who fought and WON .... or kids that were "almost" winning. I was so glad for him to see that he was not alone. 

Eron's parents aka Papaw and Nana... came to enjoy in his special day as well. Boy, you should see these kids faces light up as soon as they spot them. They made the day so much more special. To have that one on one time with them. Not mention how much help they were for me. Thanks so much. 

We were given free admission to the Zoo, given a fabulous lunch and the kids received lots of goodies. One thing that is awesome about these events is the way they include the siblings. Zoe has never been left out. I also got some fabulous info on things for Braxton.

There is this fabulous organization called Monkey in my Chair. They place a monkey in the child's seat if they are ever out of class so that even though they are not there, they kind of are. It's a fabulous way to make him feel included even when he can't be. I have requested his. Excited to get it. 

Find out more here > Monkey in my Chair

I have also decided that since Braxton is ALMOST FINISHED (4 more clinic visits after today and one more spinal tap) that I want to start giving back to the organizations that have helped us so much. I am going to start volunteering with the Leukemia and Lymphoma society as well as a fabulous organization call The Dragon Fly Foundation. They bring special things to the kids while they are in the hospital. Things that make there extended stay more bearable. As a mom who's "been there" I am really excited to help out those moms (and dads) just like us. 

The Dragonfly Foundation

We are praying that Brac will get through these next 4 months without being inpatient. As I type this I got a call from Eron telling me that his port is not drawing back, so we are also praying that this will resolve itself and not be anything at all. Brac's been so tough, so strong and amazingly brave through every month of his treatment. Through every stick and through every hospital stay. We are so blessed to have him. 

And I couldn't let a post go by without a little Zoe/Caleb action... 

I'm not sure if you can tell but that's her big brother under there. I definitely think she has "middle child syndrome"

He's crawling, climbing and now making messes all by himself... at 8 months!

                                   

TTFN

~ The Sassy Southern Belle ~

The Light's getting warmer...

3 years ago we started on a journey with Braxton. 

We have learned to cope, we have adjusted to a different "normal". We are so close to the light at the end of the tunnel that we can feel it on our face.

Today he asked me if this was the last one. Sadly I had to say no.

I look forward to telling him "yes" in January. Talking about it now chokes me up so I can only imagine how I'm going to be on that actual day... January 15th 2013. 

I think the doctors even get excited. Their faces light up when they talk about it too.

I have decided that since I am going to have a little more time on my hands in the coming year, that I am going to dedicate more of my time to the cause. I have learned in this journey that cancer research, especially pediatric cancer research, is horribly under funded. I am going to stand up and become an advocate. I am going to volunteer more. I have also decided to sign on with the Make-a-Wish foundation. They did a wonderful think for my son, and I want to give back. 

On October 13th we are going to be participating in our very first Light the Night walk in downtown Indy. 

I am super excited about this. I am excited that Braxton will be carrying that white survivors balloon and I will be carrying a gold balloon for my grandpa that passed. 

I have learned that despite the circumstances we are blessed abundantly to still have Braxton here. We are blessed because he got "the good cancer". I know that there are so many wonderful, amazing children out there fighting so hard to win the "bad" cancers. 

Braxton is for sure a fighter and I am going to celebrate this ever moment I get because he is my hero everyday.

You can join our team here:   Braxton's Team  You can be a virtual walker and help raise money for his team, all proceeds will go directly to the Leukemia and Lymphoma society. Please feel free to share to the link.

He has clinic on Monday. A spinal tap and chemo. He already feels crumby so I am sure that he is not going to feel wonderful when it's all said and done. Please remember him in your prayers as Monday draws nearer. 4 more!!! And he's DONE!!!!! 

I'm a survivor...

Where do I begin... WHEW!! What a wild weekend in my house.

Braxton is officially 5! I got through the weekend with minimal grey hairs.

This year Braxton had his very first sleepover...huh umm... I mean Camp Out, because that's what boys have is camp outs not sleep overs.

It was really a camp in because there was no way that those boys would have been comfortable outside with the temps as high as they have been.

Friday night at 8 all the little boys started to trickle in. I had, in a moment of insanity agreed to let Brac have 7 little boys spend the night. And you know what? it really wasn't all that bad. Eron came home and took them outside and if I have learned anything about boys in 5 years, it's that they are better when they are outside. They rode the four wheeler, played tag, and then roasted s'mores. I even managed to get them all to shower. That was rather tricky, but we did it with minimal chaos. We put the tent up in the living room and then, once they were all tucked in, they drifted off to sleep.

The next day the choas started all over again. Until his party that night. Have you ever tried to set up for a party by yourself, with 8 little boys, an attention deprived 2 year old and a 7 mth old to look after? NOT EASY, but when my sweet friends came over, it became slightly more managable and the party ended up going great. {Kudos to Kevin and Anna for coming early to help wrangle those boys and Kudos to my Brother in Law JR for being the grill master}

Some of the yummy party goodies... party favors and Spiderman pancakes

Pocket knife from Daddy and Mommy (it's put up high)

Brac and his "girlfriend" Ava

Some of the yummy treats... thank you Pinterest
Cresent rolls with chocolate chips and mini marshmallows topped with Chocolate syrup, doesn't get any easier. 

You know, as crazy as it was at times, hearing all the little thank you's and watching Brac have a blast with all his friends was so worth it. He went outside at 430 and I didn't see him much until he finally came in with his daddy at 1030. With Zoe and Caleb in the bed, we let him open all his presents. This has become some what of a tradition in our house. We let our kids take all the gifts out and "examine" them and play with them before they go to bed. It's fun to have that one on one time with them on there special day.

After the house was cleaned and all the toys were put back in there place we finally crashed.

Thank you Papaw and Nana... they always bring the coolest gifts.

This week my 5 year old, gets to start preschool. He is so excited. He also found out that he can now go to Children's church on Wednesday night and sing in the children's choir.

Thanks to everyone for coming out and making his special day even more wonderful.

On another note, Today marks Brac's 1000th day of Chemo, with just 158 days left. He has come a long since day one. It's kind of bitter sweet. I can't help but think about all our friends still in treatment or those that have gone through many more than 1000 days, those that have many more days to go with no idea when they will be finished. And then I think of those friends that have finished. That beat the ugly cancer world. I am celebrating that Brac is almost finished. He put up a fight and he essentially won. It is so nice to talk to the doctors about those last couple months. About scheduling to have his port taken OUT at the beginning of next year. (deep breath.... exhale)

Then we will celebrate again. We will celebrate every year for the rest of his LONG life.... Brac beat the cancer world. I will look forward to that anniversary as much as I look forward to every birthday.

There is a book called The Grouchy Lady Bug by Eric Carle, we have read it to Brac since he was a little thing. Everywhere this little lady bug goes she meets bigger and bigger creatures, she keeps saying "you wanna fight" and then "you're not big enough".... well, I've always kind of thought of this as Brac's phrase.  Cancer said "Hey you, you wanna fight?" and Brac said "you're not big enough" ...

1, 2, 3

I am in the process of returning to school. Transcripts to get, schedules to keep and the chaos begins... I'm a little nuts but I guess it's what makes my world go round. I luckily found a sitter for my older 2 today so it was just me and Cabby at the school today. He has become my constant travel buddy.

So while I was sitting there waiting to meet with my advisor, I got to thinking about all 3 of my sweet babies. How I have "evolved" as a mom. 

#1- Braxton, my Alpha, my first born, my thinker, my survivor. 

When we found out that we were pregnant we were so elated (as I was with the other 2 but this was some different). We had been married for 4 years and we just knew that we wouldn't have any problems getting pregnant. Well, it took a year, and after seeing the negative sign one too many times, you can imagine how excited I was when I saw that faint positive sign. 

Anywho, when we finally met this sweet boy, I immediately went into crazy mommy mode. No one was allowed to touch him with out first sanitizing their hands and I ALWAYS washed his paci and toys when they fell on the floor. I did everything by the book. I bought him over priced clothes and toys and well, I just spoiled him rotten. (we never would have imagined the trial that was ahead in his life). I believe that it is better that we don't know the plan that God has for us. Brac's cancer diagnoses was not expected or desired for that matter, but it has taught us so much. We have met so many wonderful people along the way and grown stronger in God as well as in our family. We are also stronger witnesses of the Word because we have seen a miracle first hand.  

By the time we thought we were ready for baby #2, I didn't know how I would ever love another baby as much I loved this little man.... then came.........

#2- Zoe, my baby girl, my eccentric child, my free spirit, my mesh mash of rotten and fun.

Zoe was born about 5 months into Brac's treatment. We really didn't have time to fret and fuss over what was clean and not sanitized. For the most part it already was because of Brac. I used to call her my "shadow baby" because she just sat back. She never fussed or cried, it's kind of like she knew what was going on. Like God had already told her before she got here. She ate her first cereal in the hospital room with Brac. With Brac I was always worried to "co sleep" but when Zoe came along we had no choice but to have her sleep with me... on the couch in the hospital room. She is independent. I wonder if me always fussing over her brother made her that way. Now she is funny and a spice of life. 

#3- Caleb, my Omega, my baby boy, my cuddle bug.

Sitting with him today at the school, I kind of chuckled to myself. He is obsessively attached to me. I LOVE it!!! My other 2 were for sure attached to their daddy. Caleb could take him or leave him :)

He is so mild. Makes me wonder what he has in store for me in the next couple of years. I have learned after 5 years to relax. They are only babies once. I was always so eager to see Brac do everything... crawl, walk, talk. I was even that way with Zoe. With Caleb, I think that I will baby him awhile. Brac is almost finished with treatment and I think that now things will slow down some. 

I have learned that being a mom is the best job ever. To think that God chose me to be their mom is so humbling. I take great pride in these three angels. I think now I will slow down and just let life happen. All I really want for them is to be happy. I could care less if they grow up to be rocket scientist... if they did I wouldn't be sad at all. I want them to love Jesus with all there hearts, and to see me as a Godly mother that raised them the best she could. To love and respect me for teaching them right and wrong and for singing to them at night and remembering all the fun things we have done together. 

Just the ramblings of a mama that is love with her sweet children today.

Camping at Cincinnati Childrens...

We had a pretty uneventful weekend. Braxton played with friends and even rode his four wheeler with his friends on Thursday.  SOOOOO.....

We almost made it. We almost made it to a year with no hospital stays.

Friday morning bright and early Braxton woke me up worried about his four wheeler. When I reassured him that the four wheeler was safe in the garage, he was rolling over to go back to sleep when I leaned down to kiss him, only to realize that he was hot.

First thoughts, " NO WAY!!"

Braxton has been "flirting" with a temp for weeks now but I figured it was just allergies and that it was no big deal. He has been complaining about a headache but nothing too big. Last month the headaches led to a blood transfusion the week before chemo.

So, at 1am I was up packing for me and the kids to drive the hour to Cincinnati with hopes that it was nothing and that his counts would be fine and that after a round of antibiotics he could go home. So often that has been the case I couldn't help but be hopeful.

There I was with 3 kids at 3:30 in the morning alone, one with a temp, a cantankerous 2 year old that needed to be in bed and my sweet baby boy.

It's as if life hits you in the forehead and says... "did you really think it was that easy". Lately I had let my guard down a little when it came to Brac. I have tried to make things as "normal" for him as I could. He is almost 5 and he is just now starting to ask why he has to take medicine and his friends don't. Makes me very glad that he only has 7 months left. Being on maintenance is not all a bed of roses like I had assumed when he was first diagnosed. He has been in the hospital multiple times for viral temps. And although he doesn't have to have treatment every week and although he appears to be a "normal" 4 year old, he is not.

He is still undergoing treatment for.... Leukemia.

So,  as I packed our bags for the hospital. I had a moment where I just cried. I was mad that I was careless enough to "forget" that he was in maintenance and that his counts could still drop. We have become so relient on the IVIG therapy that when something as unexpected as a temp happens it kind of throws me for a loop.

Because he is on a cancer floor with other immuno compromised children and they were unsure of the cause of his temp he has been in "quarantine" of sorts. He is not allowed to leave his room and people have to gown and glove up when entering the room.

The first couple of nights, we did not know why he had the temp or the reason that  not only was his white count and his ANC in the toilet (for lack of a better word) but whatever it was, was tearing up RBC's as well. He needed another blood transfusion while he was there. 2 in a month. Oh boy. We have, however, learned to entertain ourselves in those tiny rooms. I have learned to make balloon animals. {thanks a lot to youtube}

Fear is a funny thing. Especially when it dwells in a mother. I was scared. My stomach felt sick. When Braxton was diagnosed he only presented with a temp... his blood work was what confirmed our worst nightmares as a parent.

Saturday afternoon the doctor assured me that there was no sign of the Leukemia in his blood work and that nothing looked abnormal on his blood smear... (HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF) I could breathe... a little.

Later that day he went down for a CT of his head to see if the infection was in his sinuses ... TADAAAA... the source. So now he is on nasal sprays to try to "wash out" the infection as well as being on 3 weeks of antibiotics when he gets home.

Eron and Brac are now on the way home from Cincy ... Can't wait to see my boys. Brac has been absolutely pitiful and I have missed him the past couple of nights. My diet and work out regimen has gone down the toilet (for lack of a better word) for the weekend, I have been living on coffee and caffeinated drinks, sugar finger foods and NO sleep.

So that's my story for the weekend. Fun Fun!!

it's a dog

and a bunny

Reminiscing moments....

I'm so not the "mushy gushy" type. I mean, my kids make me melt... often. But as for as being sentimental and keeping every little thing my kids or my husband does for me. That's just not me. BUT, I do love pictures and I never delete or throw any out. My heart just melts to look back at the old pics that I have stored. 

Recently I was going through the pics on my computer and found a ton of when Braxton was a baby. He tends to melt my heart the most. Probably because of all that he has gone through. 

When you are pregnant you never dream that you will hear the words "he has cancer".... I wish I never had.

So let me forewarn anyone that may be reading this, the mushy gushiness of this post is totally because I am a mama and the little things about my kids usually has me pouring buckets of tears. I found pics of Braxton when he was first diagnosed and well, lets just say it was a good thing it was the middle of the night cause my kids would have thought I was nuts. 

When Brac was first diagnosed, I went immediately into "mama mode". I knew that I had a job to do and I was into it full force. Braxton immediately became my number one priority (more so than he already was). While we have added 2 more beautiful babies to the mix since he got sick. My heart knows that they are "OK"... I will always fuss over Brac even when he's older. 

I have been worrying over Brac consistently for the last 3 years. It's not going to be something that I can  just forget about. Being the mom of a Cancer Kid is hard. It's hard to watch them go through all the treatments, to see the pain in there eyes. It's hard to want to help them better and  know that you can't.It's hard to watch them be so brave when you want to cry for them.  It's hard to split your time between your other children and it's especially hard to live with the feeling that you are leaving the others out (even though you know that you are not).

Braxton is my first born, he is naturally independent, but I think as he gets ready to start school I wonder if I have hindered him in some way. I have hovered over him since he was Zoe's age. He has been kept from playdates and preschool for fear of him getting sick. He's missed the snow. He's missed trips and birthday parties. I cringe when someone coughs in his direction. My heart melts when he gives me a hug and a kiss just because. I have had a front row seat to the powers of God. I have watched Brac bounce back and recover like a champion. I feel so blessed. I know that with out Braxton I would not have the faith that I do in the things that we don't understand. God amazes me everyday. I know that my little boy is blessed and highly favored. 

Getting accessed in the beginning of his treatment.

He was his sickest here

So as I ramble on, I am happy to say that Brac only has 7 months left. OH!! What a joy!! I get butterflies thinking about his last treatment. I get so excited to think that he is done putting that poison into his little body. It thrills me to know that he can be a "NORMAL" boy. It makes me elated to know that he can go to sleepovers and play without having to come in for his meds. It really makes me happy that he can go to the pediatrician for a cough and cold and not the oncologist. 

So after I had my moment of thoughts and tears. I began to thank the Mighty God that I serve for keeping him and blessing him. For keeping me strong and sane. For allowing me to be the mom to such an amazing little boy. 

To look at him today you'd never know that he was living with a cancer diagnoses.

Just had a mommy moment today. 

It's a two cups of coffee and a piece of cake kind of morning....

This is a chemo week for Brac (well every week is a chemo week, but this was the time of the month for clinic)... he's tired and so mean and I know that his body has just had enough.

I am referring fights and getting into tiffs with him over silly things. This morning he insisted on keeping my pillow on his bed. Little things like this make him melt down. He doesn't want to share ANYTHING and he is all together grumpy. I know that it's the meds but where do you draw a line? How far is he allowed to go?

It's hard to be mad for even a moment. I know that he must be miserable. I don't know first hand what he's going through, so it's hard for me to say I know that you hurt...I understand. Because, while I am sure that he is miserable. I know that I don't truly get it.

As for me, it's physically and mentally taxing on me. I don't want to be selfish, but some days being the mom of a child with Cancer can take a toll on your psyche...

I have to make sure that he gets all of his meds every night and make sure that he doesn't have foods and drinks that he can't have. And then when he pitches a fit because the one thing that he really wanted was the one thing that he couldn't have, I suddenly become the bad guy.....the only bad guy.

I deal with screaming and temper tantrums as a result of the steroids, not including the fits from my 2 year old who thinks she is grown all of a sudden.  And then when I get them squared away Caleb starts screaming. Some days I don't know how these ladies with 5 and 6 kids manage to stay sane. I guess some women are made to be stay at home moms and others are not. It's a 124/7 job and I never seem to get a break. To ask for one is like pulling teeth. My other half acts like it's the easiest job on the planet and that he could do it with his hands tied behind his back... funny thing is I never see him taking all three kids to Walmart with him... (hmmm, very interesting). Don't get me wrong. I LOVE being mama to these 3, I love their hugs and kisses and the "I love you mommy"s that I hear daily are wonderful and priceless. Even Brac telling me that I make the best microwave popcorn makes my heart melt. But some days I just need a little break from the chaos, the moment.

So while I sit here with my second cup of coffee for the day (one that has been warmed up 2 times already) I am left to my day dreams of me in a hammock ALONE some where warm... sipping on something other than coffee. So that's my vent session for the day.

Because I know that I would just bore my friends with this and my husband just doesn't get it anyway, so maybe whoever stumbles across my lonely little blog will have a little sympathy for this over worked and severely under payed mama. :)

Mr. Sandman send me a dream.....

At what point in life did I turn "old"... I'm grumpy without at least one cup of coffee, and I value sleep more than some things in life.

Since Caleb was born I feel like I have slept about 2 hours in 2 weeks. I have that "she desperately needs a manicure, massage and the tropics" look. I am so glad that the little guy is here but I guess I wasn't prepared to miss sleep this way.

I have actually turned into that mom... you know the one that I'm talking about. As a young chick with no kids or even just one, I would always be quick to look at that mom who brought her kids into Walmart in there PJ's with messy hair. She, herself, looked as if she hadn't slept in weeks, showered sporadically, and had just thrown what ever smelled clean on and threw her hair into a bun.... yep, that is me now.  I would always say to myself "I can't believe she would go out in public like that." Now I am like those guys on motorcycles that see another and wave... I see that other mom with kids hanging off the cart, grin and nod, with a reassuring and understood "I get it" look.

I took my kids out the other day in there PJ's and told Brac he could wear whatever he wanted (that consisted of rain boots, brown carhart overalls and a character shirt of some sort, accompanied with a cow lick) I have sank to a new low. I did make him put on a hat that, in no way matched his chosen ensemble.

I have a whole new respect for SAHM's. Probably because now I am one. It's a tough job!! It's 24/7 on-call. I clean and wash clothes, I make meals and referee fights. I am a nurse without the agonizing clinicals. I am a secretary for the husband that's at work, who believes that I am sitting at home eating bon bon's and reading romance novels. And then I start all over again the next day. I am MOM... wouldn't trade it for all the world. Although I would love to pull my hair out some days. ;)

I need some get up and go. Hopefully this trip to Disney will rejuvenate me or be the straw that broke the mama's back. We will have to wait and see.

So for all you mom's that feel like your alone in the "I'm slap dab worn out club" you're not, you actually have a new member.... "Hello, My name is Amanda and I am TIRED... SLAP DAB worn out"

OK so now I am going to fix me a ginormous cup of coffee and try to scrounge up something sweet to give me some small amount of energy. Maybe I'll fit in a vitamin or too.

I

CAN'T

WAIT

FOR

NAPTIME

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On another note. ... I know that some people read this for updates

on Brac. Chemo on Monday went wonderfully. His counts are wonderful and he is ready for Disney. 10 more treatments to go!! It's been a long road but he has proven to be a fighter. We are more and more proud of him everyday. An amazing little boy that God has so graciously blessed us with. He has shown us the true meaning of faith and perseverance.

Waiting to Exhale :)

So much going on to start 2012 that it's almost overwhelming....

I am so elated and looking so forward to welcoming our sweet baby boy into the world. Although he still has no name {we won't dwell on this too long, it's a sore subject} :)  Looking back on the whole pregnancy, I have been filled with so many emotions. God has surely been my strength through everything. When we found out that we were pregnant again I was shocked beyond measure. But sometimes, the most wonderful blessings come when you are not expecting them. Now in the end I'm waiting anxiously only 3 weeks to go!!

I had made up my mind after Zoe that if we were to have anymore children it would be when Brac was finished with treatment. It seemed rational and a very good idea. One child with a life threatening illness that could turn when you are least expecting it and then one who seems to be a smidge accident prone and seems to have a touch of asthma, it was safe to say that I had met my limit. But God has a since of humor, and I am constantly saying to myself (when things get "hairy") He's not going to put more on me than I can bare.

And He hasn't. I may want to pull my hair out at sporadic moments in the day, but I can handle it. They are kids, wonderful sweet children, whom I couldn't imagine a moment without.

I always find myself saying that things will slow down once we got through Christmas... WHO WAS I KIDDING!

With 2 {almost 3} kids under the age of 5, one who has to go to monthly treatments in a city an hour away and one that doesn't understand the concept of "that will hurt". Slowing down just ain't happenin'!

January we have a baby due, February we are going to Disney for a week, March is Zoe's birthday, April is a church meeting and Easter, May is full of birthdays to celebrate and another meeting and Mother's day, June is full of anniversaries and birthdays, Father's Day and I'M GOING TO BE AN AUNT :), July is the 4th and more birthday fun, August Brac turns 5, September... more birthdays, October is Halloween and then we roll into the end of the year November and December, holidays, travel, birthdays {MINE} and CHOAS!!! Through all of this I will be planning Brac's HUGE end of chemo celebration for next January.

WHEW!!! Is there time to breath in there? To tell you the truth, the choas can be exciting. I think we would be super bored without all the fun things to do.

So while I wait to exhale.... I thought I would end by sharing a couple of pics of some amazing kids that make the insanity worth every moment ;)  I hope that everyone has a wonderful and blessed New Year!

~ The Sassy Southern Belle ~

They are touching and NOT fighting a rare occasion in this house

One day I looked up and she wasn't a little baby anymore :(

And this little man... I'm without words.

Best Friends (Brac with his cousins Charlee and Garrett)

And the Beat goes on...

I have been on an emotional roller coaster for this past week. Probably due mostly to the pregnancy hormones, but I am sure that most of the tears come from gratitude.

I'm thankful today....for Braxton. For his chance at life. Thankful for a Mighty Healing God that never leaves us.  For the Doctors and nurses that have taken such wonderful care of him. For the many prayer warriors across this nation that have taken the time to say a prayer for him. For my wonderful husband, my partner, for being the wonderful caring dad that he is. For Braxton and his patient demeanor, for never complaining and for being a warrior. For Zoe.... for being an easy baby and for making us smile when it was so hard.  And the list could go on forever.

I'm just thankful.

Two years ago, yesterday, we sat in the pediatrician's office waiting to find out what was wrong with our normally, very healthy little boy. He was horribly pale and he just wasn't being himself and the fever that he had been fighting for about 3 days was not getting any better and he had no other symptoms. My gut said "something is wrong, something is seriously wrong". They thought it was an ear infection... yeah, I wish. No mother could ever forget a day that would inevitably lead to one of the toughest, and most unimaginable things to hear ever.

at the pediatrician November 9th

That day after doing a simple finger stick in the doctors office that turned up abnormally low, we were sent to the local hospital for more labs and then home to wait for results. I will NEVER forget getting the call. I'll NEVER forget chocking back tears as the pediatrician told us to go to the children's hospital in town and then to expect to stay a couple of days. I will NEVER forget the slew of docs that came in with sympathetic looks on there faces that said "we know what is going on but we can't tell you just yet". It's a day that no mother would ever ever forget.

November 10th, a rainy Tuesday. Brac was scheduled for his very first spinal tap and bone marrow biopsy. I can remember Eron making a joke with the practitioner that was doing the bone marrow aspiration, about the bone marrow coming out slowly and that it was going to make her work for it. I can still see her face as she looked up and said that's usually because the Leukemia makes the cells pack together. That was the first time anyone had said that word to us ... LEUKEMIA.

Later that day, as Brac slept in Eron's arms. Our family around us. A group of doctors came in {I guess there is power in numbers} and said the words that made it difficult for me to swallow... to breathe... to think rationally.

"We have received the results, and he has Leukemia".... my sweet baby, he just celebrated his 2nd birthday and he was fine then. How could this be? Are you sure?

Later we would learn that he had Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia. {the easiest cancer to "win"} They started treatment that day through his IV and he was scheduled for surgery the following morning to place his port.

Our little simple life as we knew was changing with ever moment, right before our eyes. After crying for a couple of days, Eron and I knew that we could do this and that with faith and hope and knowing that we served a Mighty God that would see us through, we could get through this. For Braxton.

Waiting on results from bone marrow aspiration.

He was on steroids for a month. He gained about 20lbs in a month and "morphed" into this child that we could barely recognize.

Post Steroids... slimming down.

He then went through a much "easier", every 10 day cycle... and then onto delayed intensification. This would prove to be the toughest most strenuous phase for him. During the course of this regimen he got a stomach bug and it in turn placed him in the hospital for a week, followed by an enormous weight loss and PT to help with the foot drop that he got while spending so much time in bed. He had multiple blood and platelet transfusions. Dealt with low potassium issues and the list goes on. Yes, he was so sick, but Brac has never once lost his sweet charming demeanor. He keeps trucking.



Lay it on the alter and give it to God, he takes care of us.



He is now in maintenance... {big sigh of relief}... and while he still has ups and downs and he is still going through chemo, he has made it through 2 full years of the cancer world. Spirits always high. We give God the praise daily, that he looks and acts like a "well" child. He is in the home stretch and while he may forget the trial that he has been through it will forever be alive in our minds. Braxton is my sweet hero. He is all boy. He likes bugs and rocks. Dirt and the gross things little boys like.  He likes things in routine and orderly. Nothing out of place. He's inquisitive.

Celebrating his 4th birthday!

In February he is going to take a trip that he has earned over and over. Looking at the 2012 calendar and marking all of his appointments we got to the end of the year and I circled the FINAL CHEMO... ohhhh, what a relief! We are almost there. He has overcome more at 4 years old than many adults can say they have overcome.

Ready to feed the horses with papaw

December 10th, one month after being diagnosed with ALL they told us that he was in "remission" (he is not considered in total remission until he has been cancer free for 5 years) but still there is no evidence of the dreaded "C" word in his body.

We must find a cure. The government has underfunded research and were there is no money, research can't be done. Children like Brac, Vinny, Benjamin and Maci do not deserve to go through this. They need to be playing and doing the things that kids do. Without the worry of germs and the possibility of a cold that could be horrible for them. They deserve to be KIDS.

at the beach for the first time 2011