The Light at The end Of the Tunnel....

Somedays in life you wake up and it's like a light suddenly comes on. Like something makes since or that there is a glimmer of hope.

Exhibit A:

Riding down the road the other day, I said "Braxton, you played really good with Nevaeh today." He said, "I hit her... I said I was sorry." I said "Braxton, if you are not nice to people they are not going to want to play with you".... {this is when his light came on} He said, "oh, I rememmmber... if I'm not nice they won't be my friend and they won't come to my house anymore." I left the conversation with a smile and "exactly".

Braxton had chemo monday, and like most chemo days, we got up early, we were all super grumpy and we were in the car for a 1 hour trip to the hospital.

Braxton has been on cloud nine.

We had a church meeting this past weekend and at one point we had 52!!! people! at my tiny little house. The men were outside as were a majority of the children, but 52! So Braxton was able to play and be outside and be .... NORMAL!

I thought, at that moment what a great feeling to just sit and watch him play with the other kids. When I brought him and gave him his bath the water was murky and his legs were scraped and bruised... what a wonderful feeling.

Well.... back to Monday.... they drew his labs and started his antibiotics and we ordered "chicken on the bone" for him.

When the labs came back we were floored.... for the first time EVER since he was diagnosed in November 2009 his ANC level was above 5000!!!

When Dr. O'brien came in to talk to us, she said that is where he is going to be when he is finished with treatment all together.

BOY!!! I can't express the feeling that I felt, the feeling of hope that washed over me... the small glimmer of a light at the end of the tunnel. I was smitten for the rest of the day.

Zoe had her tubes put in on May 20th and so far she is doing wonderful. For the first time in a couple of months she is sleeping through the night again.

WHEW!! I can't express the relief. The big sigh of {PEACE}...

All is well

Braxton has been singing a song for the past couple of days and I just think it is so sweet. He loves old gospel, always has and he woke up this morning singing... "Get Right Church" by James Cleveland.

Somedays God Opens up the mouths of these precious babies just to let you know that everything is ok!

An Exam

I am getting ready to start school in 4 DAYS!!! I am so excited to get back into the school groove. I miss so much going to class and learning new things. I even miss the exams :)

I have decided that I need a mommy vacay. Some would call this selfish, or ask "what kind of mother would want to leave her children". It's not even like that.

I think that a mom, especially a stay at home mom, especially a mom of a sick child, needs to get away for a bit and clear her head. I think it is necessary for "survival".  I am not wanting to take a "leave of absence". Just a little bit of time to examin' things. I need to meditate on the choices I've made. I need to clear my head before I have to fire back into mommy mode.

I love my children, with all my heart and soul. They are what makes my world go round. I couldn't imagine a moment without them. I don't consider it a bad thing because I want to go on a trip with my mother and sister. I consider it healthy.

Some women are made to be these "susie home maker" types. They revolve around cooking and cleaning. The June Cleaver in today's society. Me, well I am so far from that type. It's not a bad thing, I totally respect this type. I don't know the name for my type but I am sure that some could come up with something.

I am not made to have 4 and 5 babies. I am perfectly happy with the 2 beauties that I have been blessed with. They are a full time job in themselves.

I need to work, some do not. I need to contribute, some do not. I guess that according to some standards I am not a "good mom". I don't agree but I guess that is for others are entitled to there opinions. I want my kids happy. I want them to grow up and remember the fun times we have had and remember all that I have taught them.

I have had to "exam" the mother that I am. And I have concluded that I pass with flying colors. I might not be the type of mom that others expect me to be but I am a good one. I wipe there tears. I hold them when they fall and cry. I fix them 3 meals a day. I sit in waiting rooms to make sure that my "mommy intuition" was right. I make them laugh and they make me laugh more than ever. They are clean and they always have a smile on there face. I stop whatever I am doing to when a new book to read is presented to me. I encourage there imaginations to sore. I am a GOOD mom. Mission accomplished.

I AM TAKING A MOMMY VACATION.... I HAVE PASSED ALL MY TESTS. NOW I NEED TO RECOUP

This is our life... or something like it :)

They finally let Brac go home on Tuesday. He was more than ready to go (we were more than ready). We left about 2pm that afternoon. I was so happy to see Zoe. She always makes us smile. We were set free from our "solitary confinement" and could not wait to get home and enjoy the 80 degree weather that I had been praying for since the first frost.... ({big sigh} life is good.

HA!!! So I thought things were going to be good. We got home and not 2 hours after darkening the doorway Brac had another fever. So I packed ANOTHER bag and headed back to Cincinnati. Lucky for us his counts were good enough after the antibiotics that they let us go.  At midnight, we drove an hour back home and thought that now we could finally enjoy home, without burning up the roads all the way back to Cincinnati.

HA!!! AGAIN!!! Wednesday morning we got a "follow up" call from the clinic... "how is he this morning", "fine" I say. "Well I am sorry to have to tell you this but Braxton is going to have to come in today"..... {ok, seriously, you have got to be kidding me} Totally not diggin this. SOOOOO I loaded both kids back into the car and we were off to Cincinnati. WOO HOO!! Road trip... riigghhhtt!

Evidently when they flushed his port in the ER they were supposed to use 100cc of Heprin and they only used 10cc. If enough is not used then his life could clot. OH JOY!! The did give us a $25 gas card for making the mistake and apologized several times. Forgiven.

OK so we had Brac fixed. Hopefully.

Thursday... time to take Zoe to Cincinnati. Well, Harrison. She had an appointment with the ENT to see about tubes for her ears. She has had a never ending ear infection since the day after her birthday party in March. So... we drive an hour, sit in a waiting room for 10 minutes, go back the doctor he takes one look in each ear (this exam takes all of 5 minutes), explains the whole reason she is needing tubes and said that the nurse would come in to set up a surgery time.

The entire visit took all of 30 minutes.

OK so now we have fixed Zoe, ok well partially.

She will have tubes placed in each ear on May 20th.

Oh geez, I just want to get my kids better. This has been the most miserable winter. Well, I am ready for a vacation.

I am thinking somewhere tropical ... or semi tropical... heck, somewhere with a pool and NO sick kids.

Through all this I will say that I am very thankful that all it was, was a virus, something that could be fixed. And I am loving that all Zoe needs is tubes. I know parents in the cancer world that are fighting for their kids lives. I know parents that are worried beyond measure that this may be the last summer with there precious little ones. So I dare not complain.  I am however, asking my bloggy friends to please lift those parents of cancer kids or even kids with terminal illnesses up in prayer.

Until you have lived this life with your kids, it is not real. You don't realize the many nights without sleep, food, without worry.  I know now and I wish that I didn't.

Anywho, hopefully a Vacay is in the future for me and the kiddos. I have new swimming trunks that Brac needs to break in and the Easter bunny brought Zoe one cute bikini. :)

Toodles

The Sassy Southern Belle

Happy Monday... sort of

Day 3 at Cincinnati Children's with Brac... he is such a trooper. Although, he is starting to get a smidge stir crazy. Who wouldn't, he's in solitary confinement... OK so it's not thaaaat bad. They do bring him whatever toys he wants.

Luckily they have pin pointed the nasty virus that put us here, which means no scans. He has the same virus that causes RSV. For most kids his age this would have been a fever, some antibiotics, some chicken noodle and lots of rest.... NOT BRAC.

This is just one of those times when our "normal" is not everyone else's normal. Brac is a CK... a darn good one.... but never the less a CK.... PLEASE EVERYONE KEEP YOUR SICK KIDS AWAY FROM MINE!!! If you insist on bringing them out, please let me know to keep my kid away.  OK, I am finished being the crazy mama lion.

 I know that there are circumstances when you have to take your kids, sick or not, out. I get that. I have been there. I guess, when he gets sick I try to scope out the culprit. Where did he get it? But I guess the real fact of the matter is, he's 3. And any mama that has a 3 year old will tell you they are gross. They stick there fingers in there nose then in there mouth. They put stuff off of the floor into there mouth. The share toys and that is just the way it is, and this leads to sharing germs... those horrible little devils that dwell in unsuspecting children, leading to mama's who are about to pull there hair out..... UGH!

I remember being a kid and sharing my candy necklaces with all my friends. I would get home the necklace would be gone and I would have only had 3 bites off the thing. NOW, that is gross.

Back to Brac, they do know that the virus he has is the one that causes bronchiolitis, and that can cause RSV. I think that's what he had. He had the cough runny nose and fever. But I'm just a mom what do I know. :)

Brac can have fun anywhere he goes. He has been a different superhero everyday. When he was admitted he was Spiderman, webbing everyone that came down the hall. He can't go into the hall without a mask on, but he doesn't quite get that. He wanted to go out yesterday when he was Buzz Lightyear, but I told him he couldn't without a mask. He pushed an imaginary button on his chest and said "there, I put my helmet on, lets go". He is so cute. I could just eat him up.

On Wednesday of last week his ANC (immunity level) was above 2000... PHENOMENAL!!! In just 2 days the virus that he had dropped his levels to 850 and then today, 2 days later, it's at 240.... this is not good. :(

So we are stuck camping out here until those counts start to recover. Lucky for me the cafeteria brews Starbucks and I have revamped with a cup of coffee and a piece of cake. Now I feel like I can conquer the world... OK that was a little over the top but I feel good.



There is a boy in there



I will update as I can, because honestly, what else do I have to do :)

The Sassy Southern Belle



Which way do you go when you come to the Fork in the road?

I am 25... I have 2 children.... one is sick with double ear infections and walking pneumonia... the other has a fever with an underlying Leukemia diagnoses.

I am a mom. A real mom. I don't try to be something that I am not, this is my deliemma. Braxton spikes a temp. We have to go to the hospital. One of us has to be with him. Zoe needs me, Braxton needs me. What's a mother to do?

I hate having to choose between my kids. I hate that I had to pawn Zoe off on Papaw and Nana, sick. I want to nurse her back to health the same way that I nursed Brac back to health. I want my kids to be normal. I want to be able to give Brac Tylenol, a box of tissues, and some juice and soup and that be enough. I do not want to be in Cincinnati an hour from my daughter. I do not want Brac to be hooked up to an IV pole....AGAIN. I do not want him to be stuck. I do not want him to have cancer.

This is what I want for mother's day. I don't want candy or cards, money or clothes. I want my kids to be healthy and I want to feel like I can go on a trip with my mom and sister and not worry about whether or not Brac is going to get sick and end up in the hospital. I HATE CANCER. I WANT NORMAL.

Growing up and playing "house" with my babies I did not ever imagine that life would be this kind of normal.

Last year on Mother's Day I was with Brac... his platelet counts were horrible and his hemoglobin was bad. We ended up taking him to the ER only to find out that his platelet count was 4 as well as his hemoglobin. It took 2 transfusions to get him were he needed to be to be safe.

In 2 days Brac went from riding his 4wheeler in the back yard and picking me flowers to laying beside me in a hospital bed.... hooked up to fluids and antibiotics. YUCK!!!

Happy Mother's Day to all those mama's who are sitting up with sick kids. Who are holding cool rags to foreheads tonight. To those mama's that are sitting in the same place that I am tonight. Happy Mother's Day to those mom's that are taking there kids to chemo Monday, holding puke buckets tonight... or sleeping up right with there little one because it hurts there little ears to lay flat.

Happy Mother's Day to you special, hand picked by God, mama's ... you are all my heros.

**** I think this post is all about me venting *****

Dawn to Dusk a Mother's Work is {NEVER} done

I feel like I have been going non stop since November 9 2009.

From that first pediatricians appointment that lead to the hospital for labs and then to Brenner Children's Hospital I feel like I have been going non stop (I call it mommy-mode)... worrying, taking temps, washing hands, worrying, sleeping little, worrying, eating when I can, crying, laughing, and... oh did I mention worrying.



This is the day that we went to the pediatricians office, leading to the children's hospital, and our first experience with the words PEDIATRIC ONCOLOGY



A clinic visit, having his port accessed and flushed

I was 20 weeks pregnant with Zoe when Brac was diagnosed. Already tired from the pregnancy it was doubled and quadrupled in the coming weeks. I was at the doctor often with pains and some spotting, because I was on my feet so much and honestly not taking care of myself. Let the tiredness begin.  Some days those short visits for me were squeezed in between visits for Brac, {Kudos to my awesome doctor, who would make time for me during her lunch break, thanks Jody}  

Sleepless nights BEGAN. Late night ER visits for pain and fever for Brac then.... there was a small calm before the storm. Zoe was born on March 13 2010 and then the sleepless nights started over again. A week after she was born Brac started his hardest and most severe part of treatment. He was doing 5 types of chemo and he was the sickest he's ever been.

Any mama will tell you that when your child is sick, sleep is the farthest thing from your mind. We pace the floors, sleep light so that we hear every little whimper. Some how we always jump up out of a hard sleep whenever they call like we are superheros ready to fight crime.

Lucky for me Zoe was an easy baby. She never caused a fuss. It's kind of like she knew that Brac needed me and like she was telling me "I understand mama". Even now she is my ray of sunshine when the days seem so long.

Since starting treatment, Brac has probably slept through the night a few times. He wakes up for several things. His mouth is dry, his tummy hurts, he's wet from peeing through, he's had a bad dream, or he has a fever, or he just wanted to be close to us.

And then there were the week long hospital stays and I don't care who you are... no one sleeps well in the hospital. People always in and out. Brac up and down, sick. And the list could go on and on there.

And then lets talk about the early 7:30am clinic visits. Even going to bed at a reasonable hour, 6am still comes too soon.

September of 2010 we made the big move to Indiana and I took a job right away that required me to be up at 5am... and getting home late and waking up early do not go hand in hand.

Now I am a stay at home mama to 2 of the most wonderful children that God has ever created and I love it. I am not sleeping any more than I was. But you know, I don't think that I would trade it for the world.

Today, both of my babies are sick. Brac had to have an "ill visit" in Cincinnati on Wednesday, that required antibiotics. Then when he got home he spiked another temp. OH GEEZ!!! Really??? I kept our bags by the door ready to go all night. Too worried to unpack. His fever broke and Zoe has one now. She has slept little in the past couple of nights due to a stuffy nose and a cough that just will not stop.

So a visit to the doctor for her we shall go... final verdict: double ear infection, pneumonia, and sinus infection. Antibiotics and breathing treatments for her. She also has an appointment with the ENT on Thursday next week, hopefully this will fix her for good.

So as the sleepless nights continue, a child in either arm, tissues always on hand and little time with my pillow. I will nap as I can, live on coffee and energy drinks and just make due.... Sleep is highly over rated. 

I love being mom to these kids. I guess with Mother's Day on Sunday it makes me really appreciate my mom a lot more. I am sure that she spent many nights awake with my sister and I. Working several jobs to keep things afloat for us. She was a single mama. She went without so that we could have. She slept while we did and she always made sure to make life as much fun for us as she could. 

*** Thanks Mama, You are the best *** I LOVE YOU

Mom and her girls

Tired I will be if it means that my kids are well taken care... I just hope to squeeze in a least a little cat nap here and there. I wouldn't trade these sleepless nights for anything.

Happy Mother's Day to all you tired mama's living on Coffee, Cake and Lots of wet kisses from your little ones (and big ones too) :)

And If you are miraculously not one of those "tired" mama's well I am super thrilled for you. Could you please share the secret to energy-finding success  :)

I hope that all you mama's out there in the blogging world have a fantabulous day, I hope you are spoiled and appreciated all the more.

xoxoxoxo

The Sassy {exhausted} Southern Belle

A Little Hustle, A little Bustle A LOT TIRED!!!!

Today I am so far beyond tired that I feel as though I am in a warp zone somewhere.

Brac must be tired too because there are about a handful of days that he has ever slept past 10am, so I tip toed around the house and let him sleep.

We had quite a busy weekend. It involved fun, lots of driving back and forth, at one point a couple of fussy kids and still fun, but at the end of it all total exhaustion.

We went to a neighboring town this weekend for there annual Church anniversary services. Starting on Friday night and going through Sunday. We were traveling about and hour each way for 3 days in a row. LOTS OF GAS USED!!! That's a different story. :)

I love getting together with friends, goofing off and having a good time. I heard someone say that when you have kids all the going out stops but I have to say that is just not true. Just find friends that have kids too and ta da... you have quite a party.

It is always funny to walk into a restaurant with your group of friends and tell the hostess table for 20 and 4 high chairs. :) I love to watch there face and see the sheer panic on the faces of the waiters. :)

The Goob (that's what I call my husband) was able to catch up with people that he hadn't seen in years so it was especially nice for him. I got to "show" my kids. I love getting them all clean and dressed up. For about 20 minutes that look like perfect angels. Then they saunter off to some older lady or another mama with lots of snacks and the "perfection" is gone about as quickly as it began. :)

By Saturday Zoe was especially fussy. I am not sure if she is teething or if her ears are bothering her again. Sunday night she was up and down through the night, at one point spiking a temp. WOO HOO!! I just got her better. One thing that aggravates me to no end. Mama's who bring there sick kids out in public when they know they are still contagious, when they had the option to stay at home. UGH!!!

I was not like that until Brac got sick but it REALLY REALLY REALLY irritates me.

*OK, I'm finished venting*

Brac had finished up his steroid week, so we were in the home stretch for that. Now I am praying that he stays on this side of healthy and doesn't get what all the other kids are passing around. Some days I wish that I could place him in a bubble until this is all over. But since that will just never happen, I'll have to deal and pray.

The Goob, has started painting our house. We have been here almost a year. And because of certain circumstances, we just have not been able to decorate the way we wanted to. I am loving the colors. I can't wait to reveal!!!!

So today is Tuesday I am tired, my kids are cranky, it's STILL RAINING IN INDIANA, (this is the wettest state I have ever lived in), and I have 2 baskets of clothes to fold and put away. I AM TIRED. Maybe I'll take the day off. NOPE... doesn't happen when you're a mom. :)

xoxo

The Sassy Southern Belle

PS: Gotta a great recipe to share with you guys later. I'm going to make 3 cheese tortellini with my special sauce tonight. Can't wait.